Friday Funnies

Jokes shamelessly poached from Kickasshumor.com, memes from my meme scrap pile.

Girl is crying
Dad: Why ya’ crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad (Grabs shotgun): I’ll be back…
A while later, dad comes back
Girl: What the hell! Why did you kill him!
Dad: I didn’t!
Girl: Where did you go, then?
Dad: To get you ice cream of course.
Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun!?
Dad: So I could get it for free!

An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.
The old timer asks the kid, “Hey son. Whatcha got there?”
The kid replies, “I got me some chicken wire. I’m gonna catch me some chickens.”
The old timer responds, “Oh son, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”
A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.
“Well, I’ll be…'” says the old timer scratching his head.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?”
The kid responds, “I got me some duct tape. I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”
The old timer laughs, “Son, you can’t catch no ducks using duct tape.”
A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape.”
The old man cannot believe his eyes.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?”
The kid shouts back to the old timer, “I got me some pussy willow.”
The old timer shouts out, “Hold on son…while I get my hat!”

A teacher has a class full of rednecks. She asks someone to use the word ‘Timbuktu’ in a story.
A scrawny kid in the back raises his hand and recites proudly:
Tim and me, a hikin’ we went,
Till we found three whores in a pitch-up tent.
They were three and we were two;
So I buck one and Tim buck two!

Redneck went to the doctor Anant’s office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a triple dose.
“Why not?’ asked Redneck
“Because it’s not safe,’ replied the doctor Anant
“But I need it really bad,’ said Redneck
“Well, why do you need it so badly?’ asked the doctor Anant
Redneck answered, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a triple dose.”
On Monday, Redneck dragged himself in to the doctor’s office, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”
Redneck said, “No one showed up.”

Boy: I’ll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
…Next Day…
(Same boy): I’ll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn’t wearing underwear.
Mom:…