Friday Funnies

I’m typing this up on Thursday evening, having had no idea it was St. Patrick’s day. I’m second generation Irish, and we never did any of the silliness you see growing up. I don’t think I had corned beef and cabbage until my daughters started competitive Irish Dance. I did finally waddle out and post the colors:

By the way, Corned Beef isn’t a thing in the Motherland. They use bacon (not like ours) or salt pork. As I heard, Corned Beef was cheaper over here and they could afford it, so the immigrants used that. It’s actually a Jewish meat. The other mistake we make is use beef for Shepherds Pie. Traditionally, Lamb is used. I meant to make it properly for today (I even have the lamb), but as I said, I promptly forgot about all of it.

St. Patrick’s day is to commemorate the patron saint of Ireland “driving the snakes” or the devil, from Ireland, converting it to Catholicism. His is an amazing story. Even though I’m named for him, I’m not a quarter the man.

I’m not a wokester, but it’s worth it to point out that the Irish, as well as the Chinese, suffered here far more back in the day than Blacks ever did. Simply look it up. Those with eyes ought to see. That said, what both peoples did was band together and help each other out. A lesson for all.

Three men are stranded on an island. They are close to starvation, when a Native Tribe finds them and takes them back to their camp. The leader says:” Go in a jungle and bring back a fruit, then we will let you live”. They go out looking for fruits, the first guy comes back with a peach. The leader says:” Now take the peach and shove it up your ass, if you laugh, we will kill you.”
He attempts it but has to laugh so they cut his head off. The second man appears back from his trip with a grape. The leader gives him the same instructions, but the second guy doesn’t seem to have any problems, but bursts out laughing mid way through his test. He too is beheaded.

In heaven the two guys meet, the first guy says:” I laughed because the peaches fuzz was tickling my bum, why did you laugh?”
The second man responded:” I was doing fine, until I saw the third guy come back with a Pineapple.”

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing.” He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”

“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.

“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

Getting my knives that sharp is a goal.
70s as well. Could have been any birthday when I grew up. People weren’t so high strung then.