Friday Funnies

It’s been a super busy week. Didn’t think I’d get this done.

Jokes shamelessly poached from Business Insider.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied: 

“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, “Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist. 

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but  you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room said, “Yeah, right.”

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re assigned to hell.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on … and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

“So, how’s it going down there in hell?” God says.

“Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There’s no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!” Satan says.

“What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!” God says.

“No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I’m keeping him!” Satan says.

“Send him back up here or I’ll sue!” God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

“Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”