Friday Funnies

Shamelessly poached from emails I get and sites I visit.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. 

Who Knows

The day after his mother-in-law disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your mother-in-law,” said one of the officers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?!” Cedric Flynn asked.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, “We have some bad news , some good news , and some really great news . Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The RCMP officer said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your mother-in-law’s body in the bay.”

“Lord sufferin’ Jaysus!” exclaimed Flynn.

Swallowing hard, he asked, “What could possibly be the good news?”

The officer continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 1960’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”

The officer replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.

Who else knows…but man that’s bad…

No kidding. Great job!

Had conversations like that with guys that looked like that only bigger.
Or takes the film from your SLR, waits at Walgreens to put it in, waits for weeks to get it back after blowing $15.
My mom would’ve beaten me within an inch of my life.
And that doesn’t include the self-loathing that happens just before.