Friday Funnies

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, “Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
An oldie, but goodie.

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.
“Help! Is there anybody up there?” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “Is there anybody else up there?”

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor.”
The American scoffed. “I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “Fifteen or 20 years.”
“But what then?”
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.”
“Millions? Then what?”
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends.”

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered, “Sure, why not.” So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

A guy said to God, “God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?”
God said yes.
The guy said, “God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?”
God said yes.
The guy said, “God, can I have a penny?”
God said, “Sure, just a second.”

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Four rednecks are out deer hunting.
After reaching the land where they will be hunting, they pair up and head in opposite directions. At the end of the day Cletus and Billy Ray are walking back to the truck empty-handed when they see Bubba emerge from the forest alone, dragging a very large buck behind him.
“Where’s Junior?” Cletus asks Bubba.
“Oh, he’s still up in the deer stand,” Bubba replies. “He had a heart attack.”
“And you just left him there?” Billy Ray asks incredulously.
“Dang right I did!” Bubba says. “Ain’t no one gonna try an’ steal him!”

A group of friends decide to get together and go on a hunting trip in Georgia to get away for a few days. The arrangements are made and a few days later they are being picked up by their guide ‘Bubba’ at the airport and off to the hills of Georgia they go.
Bubba decides to hold a little church call before they take off on the hunt: “Now you city boys be real careful with them thar guns and don’t go shooting each other in the foot and don’t shoot nothing till I tell ya its all right. Now listen up real good to this here, you see them bunch of Hound dogs over there, well the hound in the front is “Old Blue.” He leads the hounds on the hunt and is the best hunting hound in the U.S. of A. He is priceless but he got one BIG defect, he was born with a real double strong sex drive and tools to match so don’t be bending over in front of him or if you have take a dump in the woods you let me and the boys know so we can tie him up with a big rope… O.K. that’s it come on.”
About a mile up the road Old Blue and the hounds have tree’d a big raccoon and everyone is anxious to shoot it.
“Ah let’s let Old Blue have him,” hollers Bubba. “What do mean by that?” all the group reply at the same time. “Well looky here I’ll show ya”, he grabs a long pole out of the back of his pick-up truck and knocks the raccoon out of the tree. As everybody watches in amazement Old Blue screws him to death! Well Bubba throws the coon in the back of the truck and the hunt goes on.
Right away Old Blue and the hounds tree a bobcat, and again Bubba grabs the pole and shouts let Old Blue have him. Old Blue again puts on a spectacular performance and screws the bobcat to death.
By this time the group of hunters are staring in awe at Old Blue, but they are also getting a little irritated at Bubba cause they had all paid $500.00 to go on the hunt and so far hadn’t fired a shot. Finally Bubba gives in, “O.K. boys the next thing they tree yall can shoot it.”
Sure enough a bit further down the road Old Blue and the crew tree a three hundred pound black bear, “O.K. have at him boys,” well the city boys not being very good shots, keep shooting and shooting and the bear keeps climbing higher up the tree. Finally someone gets in a lucky shot and kills the bear but he is stuck between two tree limbs and doesn’t fall to the ground.
“Dammit!” Bubba kicks the ground “Now I gotta climb up there and kick him loose”.
Up the tree he goes but the old bear is stuck pretty good and is really heavy. Bubba gives a real hefty jerk but loses his grip on the bear. With his arms waving wildly trying to gain his balance, he knows he isn’t going to make it and he’s ground bound. He screams,
“SHOOT OLD BLUE, SHOOT OLD BLUE!!!”