Friday Funnies

Jokes shamelessly poached from upjoke.com

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, “Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
’em forever!”
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and
started banging his manhood on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, “Is that you, Bubba?

Bubba Joe is a down to earth farm boy from East Texas and falls in love with a girl
After some time, they decide to get married, but before that can happen his fiance tells him that he must become christian. Now Bubba Joe was never really religious but he really loves this girl and heads off to the local catholic church and asks the priest if he can become a parishioner. The priest welcomes him but says in order to join the church he must tell him where Jesus was born. Now Bubba Joe had never really travelled much and had never even gotten outside of Texas. After thinking a bit, he replies “Was it Dallas?”, at which the priest is aghast but gathers himself and says, “Bubba Joe I’m sorry but our parishioners must be knowledgeable about Jesus’ life, why don’t you try the Methodist Church down the street?” Determined not to let his fiance down, Bubba Joe goes there and the priest there asks him the same question. Bubba Joe recalled Jesus being from a small town and replies,” Father, was it Tyler?” The Methodist priest is also taken aback but composes himself and says, “I’m sorry Bubba Joe but why don’t you try the Baptist church, they take everyone in as long you believe in god.” Feeling defeated a little, but glad that he now has a solution, he heads to the Baptist Church where the pastor there asks him, “Bubba Joe do you believe in God?” to which he responds, “Yes Father, I do,” and the pastor responds with, “well then you will be attain salvation by the grace of God!”
Glad that he has now fulfilled his fiance’s request but still confused as to where Jesus was from, Bubba Joe asks the pastor the question to which he responds, “Oh that’s easy, Jesus was born in Palestine.” Bubba Joe slaps his knee and says “I knew Jesus was born in East Texas!”
FWIW – Palestine Texas

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.
Love Dad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dad,
For heaven’s sake, dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES!
Love Bubba,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At 4 the next morning, F. B. I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic….and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass…..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.”
Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba’s yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
“You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.”

In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat…
Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:
“That guy sure’s scarin’ away all them fish with that racket…”
“Sure is,” Billy Ray agrees.
“Say,” Bubba suggests, “why don’t we smack an oar next time he passes us, an’ splash him?”
Billy Ray likes the idea, and they do just that – but the startled skier loses control, falls into the water, and goes under.
“Dayum,” Bubba says, “we better save his ass ‘afore he drowns!”
So the boys dive in, and after a while they manage to pull out one utterly unmoving, pale, limp man. They drag him into their boat, and Billy Ray begins to give him artificial respiration.
“Is he breathin’?” Bubba asks after a while. Billy Ray shakes his head.
“Naw, not yet,” he answers, “but God dayum, don’t his mouth stink some’n’ awful! I can barely stand it!”
“Well, keep goin’,” Bubba says, “we need to save’im! He went all the way to the bottom!”
So Billy Ray keeps giving the tourist the kiss of life. A few minutes later, Bubba frowns.
“Say, Billy Ray,” he says, “wasn’t the guy we scared wearin’ them water skis?”
“Sure was,” Billy Ray says, “why?”
“‘Cuz this guy’s wearin’ ice skates…”