Friday Funnies

Jokes are light today. I found a few at, but otherwise rummaged around in my meme scrap pile as usual.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
“Listen,” says the doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”
“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”
“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house

Three guys are skydiving and the first guy throws a brick out the window, the second guy throws a stone out the window, and the third guy throws a grenade out the window. When they land they decide to go walk into town, so they are walking down the street until they see a woman crying. The first guy asks, “What’s wrong?” The woman says, “A brick fell out the sky and killed my cat.” So they continue down the street then see a young boy crying. The second guy asks, “What’s wrong?” The boy said that a stone fell out of the sky and killed his dog. They continue down the road until they see the man laughing his ass off. The third guy asks, “What’s so funny?” The man says, “I bent down to pick up my news paper and I farted and my house blew up.”

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly
woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you
since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to
realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a
normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in
the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the
electric chair.