Alexa no longer works here

I’ve fired Alexa.

I had high hopes. Bought all the cool intelligent home gadgets.

But Herself didn’t like Alexa and Alexa didn’t like here. Wouldn’t listen to her. And Alexa needed to stick her fingers in every smart home account to make them work. You see, Alexa can’t do shit on her own.

And you have to remember what you called all the devices. I can’t. Then when you did remember, she said no.

“Alexa turn on the office light”

I can’t reach the hub.

I’m on break.

Fuck you, do it yerself.

So I hit my Hue app, and my mobile lights the office up.

“Alexa play Mark Knopfler”

I can do that but you need to pay a $9 nut to Jeffy, you want that?

Fuggit, I wanna hear it.

Next thing I know it’s months later and that session cost me $50.

Then there’s the incessant “You bought “X”, It’s like “Y” do you want me to put it in your cart?”

Or telling me I had my shit delivered 10 minutes after I grabbed it from the door.

She was reduced to playing the local AM station I listen to in the mornings to get the local news. Which is stupid. I have an iHeart account.

So she was replaced by this:

$30. Not even.

Sort of like hiring the down’s syndrome dude to help out. Are they going to do your network design or taxes? No. But they’ll do what you trained them to do and do it well all the time.

And I can carry this around, put it on the kitchen counter, play tunes, spotify, and radio. Does what I want, when I want it, well and doesn’t dime me out to Jeffy and the boys. Or worse.

The ultimate goal I have is to tie the garage and sunroom to the kitchen in a switchable sound system. The two 30 Watt Blue Tooth amps work well for each room now, but they are about at redline. I need a single 100W solution but don’t want to spend the dough to make it happen at the moment.

For now, this works great. Blasting Men At Work while I type. (Which is sad, since this computer is connected to a set of Bose computer speakers).

I don’t miss her.

Glad she’s gone.