Up Yer Nose

A poster on socialgalactic is having issues with nosebleeds:

As a kid, I had this all the time.

I’d be sitting in class and my nose would unload, and off to the nurse I’d go. It seemed random when it happened. Eventually, my mom took me to the doctor.

The good doctor taught me how to stop the bleeding fast. It works like this:

  • Blow your nose hard, to clear out the crap and clots.
  • Tilt your head back, you can do this sitting or standing.
  • Pinch the bridge of your nose for about 30 seconds until the bleeding stops.

Bleeding would stop, usually in 30 seconds.

He also said the nose lining is similar to the lining of a vagina. So he prescribed vagina cream for me to shove up my nose. I think I was in 3rd grade. I had no idea what he was on about.

So off to Dart Drug we went, my mother and I. I still remember the look of the pharmacist. An older guy, he glanced at me, and back at a my mom while reading the script. I don’t remember the conversation other than my mom saying “of course he’s a boy, look at him”.

So we went home, twisted up some Kleenex, coated it with the vagina goop and crammed it up my nose. To this day, I remember the smell. A not good mediciney, sulfury smell. As I think back, I’m wondering what that crap cured. It sure as hell wasn’t scented.

I’m not sure it worked all that well.

I think it got fixed when I blasted through a plate glass door at the end of 5th grade and that side of my nose got laid wide open. I think overall I got over a hundred stitches from that blunder.

But when I get nosebleeds now, and earlier as an adult, I simply used the process above to stop it.

I responded to the dude, in perfect Texas: “You gotta get you some vagina cream to shove up your nose”.

I also told him how to stop it. But after.