Mother Theresa endured what she called as the Dark Night of the soul. Where she felt as if God abandoned her. Seems hard to believe, seeing how she was. A lot of critics used that as a weapon to mock her. But we all go through these dark periods.
Even me. Lately it’s like a dark, cold, drizzling night. Really hard to shake. The blues are falling down like rain.
I have no reason for this, really. There’s really nothing bad about my life, in reality. I have a lot to be thankful for. It must be because as Thanksgiving approaches, that I dwell on such things, both the good and the bad.
I’ve always been good at seeing little bits of information, and being able to piece them out to an end result. Usually, I’m right. Though, many times I’ve been wrong. What I see are game pieces aligning and I’m not seeing a lot of happiness coming my way as the year closes.
I’m guessing this funk may be due to time on the job. I saved half of my vacation for these last two months, specifically, Thanksgiving and Christmas. The way my company works is you have to allocate all your vacation by March. Well, who the hell knows what they’ll be doing that early in the year? You can transfer days however, so that’s why I stored them there. If I needed them, I can peel days off to use earlier. But I was liking the thought of the last two months being only three weeks long for me.
Even our HR system raised an eyebrow. “You have four months without time off. Are you sure you want to do this?” I have a week to go, then I’m off. But I’m ready now, well past burnt. Tired of absolute bullshit silliness at work. I swear to god I feel like Winston Smith in ‘1984’ sometimes, not having the latest issue of NewSpeak and having to rework shit constantly. Seriously. “When TF did you all come up with this?”
It’s probably not the only reason, just an accelerant.
A good analogy would be if you had a friend that had a terminal disease. You know he’s going to die. But still, it stings when it happens. That’s the feeling I have. Knowing it’s coming. Knowing it’s going to hurt.
The upside is that in the past this has been a blessing. I knew my number was coming when layoffs were happening at Lucent. Knowing that prepared me to stroll out of my place with a shoulder shrug, and head held high, ready to move on.
In the past, I’d simply numb this with alcohol. That’s not an option now. As I think about it, being sober may be why I feel like I feel.
Fuggit. Enough whining. I’ll shrug my shoulders and plan.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
Inspected By Pat 
So many in The Fellowship put forth that the opposite of fear is faith. I disagree. It’s COURAGE and it’s RIGHT THERE in the Serenity Prayer. It’s SECOND on the list and for damn good reason.
Hesitation to change is a lack of courage. CONSEQUENCES are a huge thing with decision making. Fourth steps are blown of not due to fear of what you will FIND (you already KNOW that) but because once you’ve compiled that list it’s step FIVE that’s the HUGE fear.
My biggest difficulty is with the Wisdom part… and that’s after 40 years of “Experience”. And THAT is where leaning on You Know Who plays a big part.
As to being sober and feeling how you feel? Yeah… that’s the thing about being Sober. You DO “FEEL”. A lot of times, that takes more than a bit of getting used to. Oft times, this season or time of year is a bit rough on us. Stay close to your Fellowship. I do.
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I’ve heard that the reason people drink, do drugs, and many other vices and disorders, is to avoid bad feelings.
I’ve stopped drinking myself, and even after years I find myself wanting a beer when I feel stressed instead of just accepting that I’m stressed.
We hate bad feelings so much that we’ll stuff up our lives to avoid them. In fact, we hate the anticipation of bad things much more than the things themselves. When they come, we find we can manage.
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