What’s Worse?

I was chatting with my sister the other day, catching up, and she said something funny that resonated. “At least you’ve been through the worst, cancer. I said cancer wasn’t the worst thing, For me, divorce was far, far worse.

Cancer

I was diagnosed with throat cancer. When that happened, all sorts of wheels started moving, like doctor appointments, treatment schedules. There was a lot of positivity, always a light at the end of the tunnel. Even in the middle of treatment, you’d take one day, one step at a time. “It’ll get better”. “When treatment’s over, it’ll get horrible, then you’ll start healing”. There were support groups.

My family traveled here to help. I had brothers at my Church lift me up in prayer, make sure there was dinner so my wife didn’t have to work then cook, they’d come and visit. Even when things go bad, you make make friends with the angel of death. I prayed to God that I didn’t know what plans he had for me, but if I were going to go, then I’d be fine, just let me end peacefully. I’d have seen a visit from that angel as a relief and a gift. Still do, for the most part.

My point is, there would be an end, one way or the other. And then as time moved on, I recovered. My last day of treatment was the end of October 2014. By Christmas, I was well on the mend. Sure, over time, I have some damage, but I simply became used to it. Now, I’m quite healthy.

Divorce

I never really said what happened, did I?

What happened was Herself filed for divorce, then bailed and ghosted me. We had some back and forth during the process, mostly coordinating assets always with her lawyer copied. I haven’t spoken with her since, really. I met with her a few weeks ago to exchange some items and paperwork. I spent most of the time chatting with her coworkers.

Until this day, I still can only guess why she did what she did. From the brief response I got when I asked last year, if what triggered this was what I think it was, it’s sadder and more nonsensical than you could imagine.

I get ghosting. I see it quite a bit on those manosphere videos. FWIW, I think that if you’ve dated awhile, ghosting is cruel. Nut up and tell them. But in this case, how do you hate someone you’ve built a life with for over thirty years so deeply that you do that? Meh…it’s what it is. It’s been a few years and I’m over it. But that person is still out there with those issues unresolved.

In the Church, Cancer isn’t a sin. Divorce is a grave one. It’s serious business.

But wait! there’s more!

My personality has completely changed. I’m far less trusting and far less affable, unless I know the crowd, and know them well.

My relationship with my kids changed. I rarely see them, let alone the grandkids. I won’t get into details. I’ve lost friends. Those men that uplifted me during Cancer? Gone, save one. I’ve had friends I’ve known for decades give me the thousand yard stare and walk away as I approached after mass. My former business partner acts Iike I’m contagious. He has issues with his old lady and doesn’t want to catch whatever I got I guess. An old friend, a dude that’s helped me sell and buy houses. A shirt off his back guy you could count on for anything, literally skitters away as if I have leprosy when we meet.

You see, when women file, they’ve already surrounded themselves with a cocoon of support, including their kids, on some level. With men, support nearly vanishes.

I think at the end of the day, I had maybe three friends and my family (brothers and sisters) that stuck by me. I found my parish was no longer my home and I couldn’t go back to the old one. I’ve literally had to rebuild my entire life. Now, I’ve done a pretty good job of it, and am really happy about where I’m going. I wish I didn’t have to do it.

But there won’t be a paid off house to retire to. There probably won’t be two retirement incomes. I will probably have to work far past when I wanted to stop.

With Cancer, for me, there was an end, one way or another, and a path back to how I was before or somewhere better. I had hope, love, and support.

With Divorce, the damage is far wider and irreparable. There is zero way back. Learning to let go helps, but the path forward is rocky and uncertain. It’s a road you walk alone for the most part.

Sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be.

So yeah. Cancer isn’t as bad, provided it has a decent prognosis.